Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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