I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
