How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Randomize
