If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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