Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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