Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
