you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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