1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Randomize
