Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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