I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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