I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
