This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
