Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
