I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
