Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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