Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Dignity is for republicans.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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