seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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