ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
