I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize