I'm really into asian looking animals
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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