I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
