if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
