i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
