ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize