I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
