hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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