Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize