Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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