Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
