I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
