i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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