My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
