im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize