My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
