I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
The power of my boobs compel you
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
