capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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