if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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