I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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