Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
