You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
