yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
