I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
third nipple confirmed
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
