My sheets look like a crime scene.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
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