I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
