You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize