Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
