I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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