literally had 100 drinks last night.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize