My friends, they love my intelligence
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
