I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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