i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
