I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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