i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
