better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize