Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
