I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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