i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
