It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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