Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Even the bartender felt bad for me
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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